Mewtwo 2: The Search for Curley's Gold
YEARS AGO when the world reveled at the name of Pikablu, a pokemon was created...by SCIENCE. That pokemon was cloned from Mew's game data and given absurd base stats and typing for the time. Scientists named him 'Mew's-clone-that's-actually-better-than-Mew-except-that-he-can't-learn-every-TM-anymore', but the name didn't catch on, so they settled for 'Mewtwo'. But we all know this story: how Mewtwo cloned his army by turning the one game off before the trades pulled through; how he sucked at choosing type advantages and made equal types duke it out; how he ran off to Figi after cleaning out Ash's bank account. Since he played the Song of Time and went back, though, no one remembers him...all except for Giovanni, who clearly transcends time.
Speaking of which, Giovanni is sitting in his 'copter, drinking some fine scotch, chillin' with his Persian. He uses his pokedex to look up the route where Mewtwo is, and what's this? Is that him on some plateau known to be home to unpredictable weather forecasts? Well I can't be for certain, I mean wtf this screen is so fuzzy and glitchy that might actually be Missingno.
you, rocket grunt girl, go find out if that shizz be ballin', I gotta crush some more scotch glasses with my bare hands
Mewtwo, on the other hand, is on an island with all his clones, crying about how he's a clone and not unique. He starts saying how clones can't be people too and how their lives suck. After slitting his wrists some more, he drones on even more about clones, so much so that I'm going to replace all instances with 'DERP' every time he talks about clone rights and activism so you can skip to the end of the sentence. Holy balls, his dialogue is annoying.
Anyway, we join Ash and his buds Misty the moist and Brock the juggernaut. They start talking and apparently they're at some crazy location that has such sucky bus service that one comes only once a month. It goes to the top of this plateau that has crazy weather due to Castform screwing everything up. Ash, never seeing a third-gen pokemon before, of course wants to go see if he can piss one off for a half hour and submit it to the Kid's WB. Brock ends up chasing them all down with a frying pan until Ash puts on the Goron Mask and rolls down the hill they were on, toward the bus stop.
Meanwhile the bus leaves because it wants out of this horrible dub. Some girl named Luna christens the bus and does some pagan rituals and it's off! Just then, Ash pops down and cries about how he's so lonely and only wanted a bus to take him to some magical place where the sun always shines. Luna slaps him until he's sane again (that's a lot of slapping btw) and the group decides to go to a cabin to think over their next move.
They play some dodgeball inside until the rain stops. Luna takes them out to her patented rope-bucket and gets some water from the stream below. They drink it, and everyone but Ash goes crazy and sees rainbows and stuff (because I guess he always sees rainbows anyway). Luna tells them they can boat the stream towards the top, which kind of makes no sense to get on top of a plateau, but whatever. Misty friggin' loves boats, so she picks up Ash and Brock with her massive arms and runs out to the river.
So they're paddling and Brock tells Misty about how bug pokemon have like the worst stats as a group so that's p.much all that they'll find around here. Misty's too excited about water and doesn't care, boy is she easy to please. Just when some Kakuna come down and Ash is about to get that perfect 1000-point snapshot, Misty remembers she left the stove on and uber-paddles in reverse to get back to the cabin. Dang! You were close!
The bus, we soon see, starts to get picked up by the wind! Right when it's about to be crushed, psychic power stops them and sets them on the ground. Everyone's dumbfounded, including Mewtwo's army, who's watching the scene on stolen cable. They ask why the crap he stopped at the good part. Mewtwo DERP says he's not fit to judge them and wants to protect everyone...
plus he totally destroyed their transmission, it's gonna be like a good episode of Lost watching them try to get back home, get the popcorn
Back at the cabin, the girl stops them from attempting to do something stupid again. Ash is all, "I can CLIMB up, yeah!" and then she's all "Uhhh no you don't have the Rock Climb HM yet you dumb twit". Then there's an annoying knock at front door. It's some guy named Prof. Calix trying to sell life insurance, but recognizes Luna from his yearbook and Sailor Moon. He also has this annoying-voiced girl with him, but he soon forgets about her because he and Luna start going on about ecology and the environment. Man, grownups are so boring. Calix then tells everyone about how he found LSD in the stream and needs to capture some of it for the 'benefit' of mankind. But what's this?! TEAM ROCKET OH NO HIDE PIKACHU
But it's too late! James goes Indiana Jones on them and whip's Ash's Pikachu to himself. The team jumps in their balloon that got L:2 engine upgrades. Luna berates them about how flying is also a bad idea (honestly, what can you do with this dumb plateau). Jesse starts a monologue about how everyone has the hots for her, then the Rockets blast off in their rocket balloon. Just then, a cutscene makes the player lose control on the balloon and sends them skyward, because I mean there would be no plot otherwise, right? Ash, being the dumbarse he is, decides to climb anyway. Luna humors him and makes a plot to throw him off the top once they all climb there. Finally, an intelligent girl in this series.
As they climb, Team Rocket sucks at controlling their balloon, I mean wtf, why does down make us go up and up make us go down? Aren't there control options on this dumb game? Anyway, Ash's crew are about to reach the top when suddenly their gear breaks, mostly because they're using carabiners that clearly say, 'not for climbing' on the side. Their carabiner gets stuck on the Rocket's balloon and they all go bananas until a Golduck shows up and uses his Cloud Nine ability to make the weather stop being such a jerk.
The banshee-voiced girl presses C-up to go into first-person mode and uses the Thermal Visor to find Mewtwo! So he's on the island in the middle of the lake on the plateau! She reports to Giovanni, who presses a secret switch to transform her into a ninja. She climbs up to the top of the balloon and hybridizes two red tulips. Taking the Black Tulips she gets, she trades a couple for some Gulliver Items and uses the last to pop the balloon, sending everyone into a spiraling vortex of doom. She uses her Longshot and gets back to Giovanni's plane.
All the good guys except Pikachu fall out into the lake and do horrendous, painful-sounding bellyflops on the surface. The others all land on the island, where Mewtwo's army comes out. Mewtwo DERP tells everyone to leave because he's allergic to humans, but since they're stuck there, he just puts Jesse and James in jail instead. Meowth goes on about how he's successful because he got a linguistics major and leaves the two to go fight these zeppelins of Giovanni's heading their way. Said zeppelins are threatening Mewtwo's borders, but since Mewtwo DERP is against fighting with clones, he stays put and plays marbles instead.
Meanwhile, Ash and company need to get to that island to rescue Pikachu. Instead of using Surf, Bulbasaur and Chikorita carve a boat out of a dead log with their teeth. Ingenious. Or stupid? I think just stupid, yeah. Anyway, they get a boat amazingly enough and paddle over to the island. Once there, they get to some spring in the middle of the island (wtf, a spring on an island in a lake on a plateau, who creates these dumb maps). A few Nidoqueen substitutes pop out and drink some of the water in the lake. Calix takes some water samples and finds out that this spring is the best LSD cache in the world. He takes a vial-full for the road.
Just then, a group of Mewtwo's army sets out to meet Giovanni's attack squad anyway. Holy wow, the lack of EVs makes them so easy to catch! The Rockets catch all but the 2 Pikachus and Meowths, when Mewtwo resets and gets his army back, DERP talking about how it's not right, it's not right...G...i...o...v...a...n...n...i.... He then looks Giovanni in the eyes, which means it's a Pokemon fight! Well...sorta. Instead of Pokemon, Giovanni uses some robot enemies from Chrono Trigger who make an electric barbed wire ring match. Mewtwo dodges and uses one of his stars to do a super uppercut. KO! Time to flee again!
But what was this? The fight was a ruse! There was a guy in Mewtwo's base, killin' his dudes! That girl-ninja starts planting flowers everywhere. She sees Ash making out with his pokemon, and captures him for taking the level of this movie beyond PG-13. Gross. Meanwhile, Giovanni and Mewtwo are having a standoff. Giovanni moves his Queen to B-5 and puts Mewtwo in Checkmate! Having lost, he DERP cries about how his clone army is so sad and has no home. He steps into this electric field and Giovanni starts forcing him to play DDR. He puts it on an endless loop of MAX300 on Heavy. Mewtwo can't keep up! His strength is failing! The heroes are moved to a jail cell with bars that are apparently strong enough to stop a Gyarados from breaking out. Go figure.
The Rockets start tricking out the island with some sweet iron walls and scaffolding. They spring Team Rocket and put them on mop duty while they make the best episode of home improvement for HGTV. Then some dumb dude spreads honey on the side of the base and flocks of bug-types come out of friggin' nowhere. The Butterfree prepare an attack. NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED. Oh shiiii-
Explosions! They manage to free Ash's squad, who nimbly dodge the iron shrapnel by pressing the on-screen cues. They rush outside to catch Mewtwo; it's now night and Ash has plenty of Dusk balls! Mewtwo is still stuck in the DDR machine and is starting to bar rape while playing. Ash actually announces his ingenious strategy of football-tackling and follows through with an amazing scene of chucking himself at the machines. Brought tears to my eyes. Of course, in the end it did nothing at all, and so Brock blinked and blew up the machines.
Obviously this makes Giovanni pissed. Brock and Misty send out their pokemon to fight while Ash takes Mewtwo into the back alleys to throw a trophy stand at him. Then there's this epic fight with blood everywhere and cinematic wonders of animation and of course, they cut it out to instead show Ash running up some stairs. Luckily he has 70 stars so he reaches the top. There's the lake! Grabbing Mewtwo by the trachea, Ash lobs the pokemon in, showing how far he trusts Mewtwo. Mewtwo begins regaining consciousness when he sees promo footage of the movie. Was that Mew? Oh well, he hit his limit break! Mewtwo pops out of the water only to be confronted by Giovanni, who starts pulling out Pump It Up. Mewtwo then pops out the Mercury Star and lights the Mercury Lighthouse, which fires a big blue beacon seen from space. Alright, one down three to go~
Anyway, the good guys all get teleported to this place Mewtwo claims to have the deed to and pays property tax like an upstanding citizen. Right when Mewtwo's about to unleash the Haitian from Heroes equipped with a flashy thing from Men in Black, Mewtwo's Pikachu stops him. Mewtwo DERP tells everyone how he binge drinks day and night to forget about his clone insecurities, but Pikachu starts talking about how the plot in this movie was so paper-thin that everyone is likely to forget it soon anyway. Good point, Pikachu! So, Ash and friends leave again, except Mewtwo kinda teleported them to somewhere in Guam, so they take like 5 more seasons to walk back to where they were, what the heck Mewtwo, get a friggin GPS or something next time
Meanwhile, Team Rocket gets hit by Butterfree droppings and they promptly go insane. Giovanni turns his right arm into a helicopter blade and flies out into the sunset while some badarse music plays.
THE END