Pokemon Heroes the Movie: Am I Reading This Right
So here we are in Hogwarts's library, where these two broads named Annie and Oakley (the former of which has a croissant for a head) are in the restricted section. They're looking through the art books to find nude models, but instead find some crap about these legendaries named Latias and Latios, who have the power to boil water and melt cheese with their mind. Hungry for Mac 'n Cheese, the two do some sweet backflips and take some zip lines to a car in a most unnecessary fashion. Suddenly their car transforms into Optimus Prime, then into a train, then into a jet, which flies toward some town which apparently has the last Red Jewel in the game.
Meanwhile, Ash, Misty, and the human legend Brock are in said town. The town has no plumbing, so there's sewage everywhere. Used to such rancid odors (Gary means it when he says smell you later okay), Ash and Misty take part in a race with some other jerks to see who can get the trophy out of a giant Cheep-Cheep. Instead they are barraged by names and text of the production staff. Eventually Ash hits a banana peel and spins out. Misty ends up winning by flashing the other racers until they crash. Go, teamwork! Her prize for winning is some crappy medallion Key Item that you can't even sell, what the heck
Some dude hits on her and takes her out on a date, which Ash and Brock join to make it a double date. <3 They end up learning about how Latios saved the town by paying the water bill, but he ended up turning into an item that's banned from tourneys called the Soul Dew (because Mountain Dew was trademarked). The group gets bored and decides it's time to visit the concession stand SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE when Pikachu runs off! He tries to get a drink when a girl with bizarre hair mistakes him for a grass type and waters him. Ash finds the two in a compromising situation and gets the wrong idea, so the girl leaves before he does something stupid (which you just know he'd do).
Next we see Annie and Oakley boat through the town using X-Ray Specs to look at people's underwear. But what's this? This one girl is actually the pokemon Latias! They stalk her a bit and eventually send out Ariados to use Spider Web so she can't escape. Instead, he shoots out silly string and confetti as Espeon bites her ankles. Enter Ash, who rips the string off the girl, tears a phone book in half, and yells out "B-7". Annie and Oakley's battleship was sunk! Ash and girlface escape on foot!
Cue about 10 minutes of running and crappy CGI. No seriously, 10 minutes of it. They run all over the place and eventually end up at the beginning of the area because they didn't know the right path to take through the repeating screens. So, Ash meets Misty and Brock again who are totally making out. right when Ash tries to retort with his own hott kisses, he turns to find the girl gone! So what now, Ash? Of course! Let's go to the museum!
In the museum, some creepy guy who looks like Santa crossed with the Pringles guy gives them a tour and shows them some fossils and the Doomsday machine that can destroy the world (don't worry it's protected by felt ropes). Ash spots the girl he was crushin' on above, so he opens his inventory to equip Hi-Jump Boots. However, the girl uses an Escape Rope. Ash tracks her down with his amazing CGI chasing scene powers and eventually sees her use a Portal Gun to enter some wall into another dimension. He jumps in after her and find himself in Central Park. Suddenly, the girl gets a Pokeball and out pops Latios, who flies in an X-shape on the screen, KOing Bowser, Fox, and Pikachu. Right when Pikachu respawns with a Smash Ball, the girl punches Latios in the face and he stops. A doppelganger of the girl comes out and berates Ash, who swear's he's innocent, he was only stalking this underaged girl!
Eventually everything worked out, Latias steals Ash's hat and throws it in the middle of the lake. Everyone laughs at Ash's bald head and he forces Latias to pay 50 rupees as compensation. Then Pringlesanta-man shows him the Soul Dew, a powerful relic that quenches thirst and is used to control the water level of the Water Temple. Latios then does this neat trick where he attached a webcam on his head and swims through town, letting everyone on his blog see what he's doing. Ash eventually leaves because Latios starts heading into the bathroom stall, and who wants to see that, ugh
Annie and Oakley soon find their way into Central Park via Google Maps. They shake the tree Latios is sleeping in and he falls out and breaks his neck. Latias freaks out because they don't have health insurance and flees. Oakley then fills a bag with sand and quickly exchanges the Soul Dew with it before the giant boulder comes down. Whew, close call.
Eventually they get to the museum, throw Latios's paralyzed body onto one of those Space Camp ring ride things, put the Soul Dew on the Doomsday Machine, and marvel in the machine which melts into the ground and seats one. Oakley pops in, reads the User's Manual, revives an Aerodactyl and Kabutops, and hacks the game to lock every door. Meanwhile, Pringlesanta and his kid show up to try and stop them, but they get owned by Espeon-age and Spiderman.
Latias finds Ash by following the sound of incessant whining. The group sets out to save Latios, and of course Ash jumps off a second-floor building just to ditch his friends. The lockdown occurs and leaves Brock and Misty unable to help (despite Brock having an Onix, honestly, why does he never use that thing). Ash and Latias jack this guy's boat and start fleeing from a possessed Aerodactyl. Ash uses a Shoryuken and 0-death combos his butt, so they get away safely. Eventually Kabutops pops by too, but he ends up getting a movie deal with Tim Burton and leaves the set.
Right when Ash and Latias are about to get to the museum, Oakley makes an oxymoron and fires water at them. Ash is finally about to drown when Latias turns Sponge-mode on and absorbs everything. They dash into the museum! Pikachu eats Annie and Oakley's pokemon while Latias tries to free Latios. Ash bursts into the scene with his token football-player-tackle move and as always, does absolutely nothing. Instead, Latias stands next to a lamp, then turns out the lights and glows in the dark. She rams her head into the machine despite what the warning stickers said and the humans pull Latios out. He's actually okay! Good, 'cos I wasn't about to go all the back to the pokemon center for him, jeez, just take it like a man
Meanwhile, the Doomsday machine goes nuts and the Soul Dew starts going flat. Annie tries to take a swig and ends up drinking all that's left. Oh no! Now how will the town get water? Feeling too lazy to look into irrigation, Pringlesanta goes outside and cries that the tides are ebbing. Suddenly a giant tsunami roars from out of nowhere and adds a plot device. Latios and Latias decide to go surfing and fly out there, only to realize they can't learn Surf. So Latios drowns, but Latias had a Focus Sash so she lived with 1 HP. The town got water back and people finally woke up from napping because of that one CGI chase scene taking so long.
Ash and friends decide to go out on a boat and look for Latias, 'cos at least she's not in the Uber tier. They find her and get abducted by aliens into space. Ash beats them all with Pikachu and a positive attitude and they get put back on earth with a new Soul Dew marketing campaign. They make a merger with Coke and the town prospers once again.
Later, as Ash and company are leaving, Latias puts on a human suit and gives Ash some fanart print she got off of DeviantArt. Also, Annie and Oakley get stuck inside the Doomsday machine's cockpit, which seals and probably kills them both due to lack of oxygen.
Which leads to the moral of the story: There's always a way to asphyxiate your problems.
THE END