Pokemon 6: Jirachi is Wishy-Washy
We start our story with this guy who's trying to find the Cave of Wonder. He assembles the two scarab pieces and the tiger head is all "TOUCH NOTHING BUT THE GROUDON". He shrugs and goes inside, and d'oh! He touches the forbidden treasure before he even gets past the entrance! He picks up this crystal coconut and before the cave sinks into the sands, he uses a Wallmaster to exit the dungeon.
Meanwhile, we've bartered with the weird announcer voice man to trade Misty for this brother-sister pair of May and Max. What, was their other sibling named Maz? Anyway, we see Ash, Max, May, and the incredibly handsome hunk Brock as they trapse along another forest route looking for more pogeymans. Soon the disemboweled announcer voice tells us Ash is actually taking a vacation! (apparently being a trainer is his day job or something) The reason? Apparently some comet that only shows up for a week every 1000 years is showing up soon. Sounds like a plot to me!
So they make it over this hill and expect to see a mass of adoring fans for Brock, but no one's there! Shoot, I guess we'll have to marvel at nature's wonder without hoardes of people and technology! (No seriously, they get p.upset that no one is there) So they decide to camp, throwing the whole tradition of pointless opening credit battles away in favor of sleeping. But they don't get more than 10 seconds of sleep time before the ground starts shaking. Brock runs up to the top of the cliff and yells, "STAMPEDE! IN THE GORGE! ASH IS DOWN THERE!" Then everyone laughs 'cos man that kid is annoying
Meanwhile, the stampede is actually a bunch of carnies who promptly set up crappy food stands, pointless souvenir shops, and shoddy rides (no relation to Shoddy Battles). Apparently Ash and company spend the whole night staring at the working crew while they assemble everything because it turns to daylight by the end of the sequence. Then there's this crazy magician guy who's also a butler; maybe he dual majored? Anyway, he plays Bubble Bobble like a madman, except instead of fruit his luggage comes out of his bubble things. He magically pitches a tent as Brock hits on his partner, Diane Sawyer. She laughs at him and does an ABC News Report on sexual harassment's presence in children's media.
Ash and friends decide to go on the horrible rides and stuff to waste time before the magic butler's show starts. So they become Tycoons and build a few roller coasters, attract some people to the park, then close the gates off, jack up the prices of food and restrooms, and then laugh as Guest #589 can't leave the park and steadily grows closer to death. But the magician's show is about to start, so Ash drops his lame park to go watch that. The guy does some crappy magic with a man-voiced Kirlia before Diane Swayer pops out of a magic box holding the crystal coconut. At this point, Max's rock fetish gets the better of him and he runs on-stage. Ash chases after him because no one out-stupids him! The interruption by them is actually well-received! Instead of calling security, Space Butler puts the two in a box and has Dusclops fire a Hyper Beam at them!
After their charred remains flew all over the front row (seriously people, it's called the splash zone for a reason), they respawn and come back on stage to gloat about how many mans they have left still. Suddenly Team Rocket pops out, takes Pikachu, fails, and blasts off. Luckily the Guiness Book of World Records guy is there to witness the fastest Team Rocket capture-to-blastoff scene ever. Then Ash uses HM01 to Cut to the next scene, which is Ash, Max, and Butler Butler talking about the crystal coconut. Apparently it's actually a legendary pokemon named Jirachi who hibernates as a crystal and throws the greatest parties. He requires two things to wake up, though: a plot-device comet and someone to be the designated driver. Max ignores him and kicks the guy in the shins, running off with the stone.
So the group looks up in the sky and, through the pollution, sees the comet! Wow! Only Max is asleep, so May dips his hand in warm water and everyone laughs. Then she sings Zelda's Lullaby and da-na-na-na-da-na-na! Max's crystal coconut starts lighting up! After playing Simon with it for 5 minutes, it evolves into Jirachi! Almost immediately, Diane Sawyer comes out to report on it. Based on what Ash told her, it was a simply WURMPLE experience and made him feel a lot of ACID ARMOR.
The next morning, Jirachi wakes up. Everyone talks about how it can grant wishes, and so Max immediately wishes for a new agent. Instead, Jirachi takes him on a journey to Candy Mountain. One kidney later, they make it back to the carnival where everyone fights over who gets to wish next. Eventually Great Butler breaks it up and tells Max to go on a montage of stupid carnival rides. He does so and eventually we see Ash and company helping the carnies out. While they're helping, a sweet Absol shows up and tries to kill Max! Right when he uses Focus Energy and is about to get a painful crit, Crafty Butler breaks up the crappy Wifi signal and captures Absol in a cage! Dammit Max, use a Max Repel next time
Soon we're treated to yet another 'let's go to sleep okay' scene. This time, May sneaks out to go rob some of the vendors when she notices Shady Butler scurrying off to his tent with something. It's Venture Time!
Inside, he puts Jirachi on this weird machine and a glass-encased Red Shard on the other. Without warning, we suddenly warp like 5 years in the past. Doctor Butler has this big machine and claims to Team Magma that he can tweak to break the map boundaries and walk to the place where Groudon is. He tries to do so but the game freezes, and so everyone down-rates his YouTube video and he starts crying over it. Back to present day, he cackles as he reveals his plan in classic villain-monologue style:
"Using Jirachi, I will open his never-opened eye to harness the power of the comet! This power can be used to fuel my sweet rave parties, monopolize the battery industry, and ultimately power this Rube Goldberg device to resurrect Groudon! Then I will go to Team Magma headquarters and Drought their prize flower garden! I am so insideous, hot dang!"
So he forces open the eye and a LASER flies out to the comet, which returns the beam back to Jirachi. Since he doesn't have the Master Sword, he can't reflect it, so it fries the machine and makes a sweet crater. Ash and company finally make the scene as Butler tells everyone his plot. Diane feels like it would make bad press, so she runs to the van to start a getaway. Meanwhile, Max grabs Jirachi and Absol busts out of the Steel-type cage because he knows some Fighting-type moves. Evil Butler is owned in the face and the group makes a getaway, but not before Burned Butler uses a Mightyena to plant a GPS tracker on them.
So the group is on the road, headed for the place where Jirachi was originally found (the Colosseum Bonus Disc). They make it there, and Jirachi starts jabbering about the comet. Apparently he has wireless access to it and can P2P some pirated energy with the world or something. Right when he opens the link and starts a torrent, some machines pop out of the wall, break through Jirachi's firewall, and start screwing with the download! Soon, Epic Butler takes him on board his new machine and starts leeching the download. He uses it to fuel some CAD machine that draws alchemist ground summoning glyphs. The gang get p.upset and use this Flygon they found to go disrupt his plans. Luckily, they save Jirachi by blocking his open ports, but unluckily, the machine finishes and summon a Groudon!
But what's this? This isn't Groudon, it's a MONSTER! See what happens when you tamper with alchemy and life? The Groudonic Mass grows at an alarming rate and starts tentacle-raping the environment with these slimy arms. It starts eating up pokemon and Team Rocket. Then it sees Tasty Butler and is about to consume him, but Diane Sawyer jumps in the way and is eaten instead. That's it, the gloves are off. Crazed Butler adopts a frightening Jojo's Bizarre Adventure face, crysterbates a little, and then goes ape.
Ash in the mean time realizes that this is one obstacle he cannot football-tackle. He does a backflip into a flying kick and calms Zany Butler down. The two make a plan and execute it. It is as follows: Give the Groudon some cotton candy to make him their friend, then invite him over to Ash's mom's place for a nice dinner. Give him the wrong addess, and while he's looking for the house, use the machine to reverse the alchemy process. They make it there as Groudon goes to get a nice suit, and right when they're about to get everything working, Groudon rages in! Apparently he had a Garmin and knew it was a ploy!
But in the nick of time, the machine activates! Groudon starts melting into a pile of biohazardous waste which gets absorbed by the earth. It starts glowing and everyone contracts serious forms of cancer (except Brock, who is the cure for cancer). Jirachi in the mean time glitches up and goes back to its cocoon state, and melts into the radioactive earth. Then everyone gives each other group hugs and sings 'We Are the Champions' by Queen. The credits roll followed by a scene of the RIAA arresting Ash and friends for copyright infringement.
Wishes do come true
