Pokemon 7: I know It's My Destiny: Deoxys
ANTARCTICA. We start on the set of "The Thing", and are soon introduced to some of the scientists there. Most notably, there's a husband and wife who are wondering where Tori, their kid, ran off to. They don't seem really concerned, I mean what will endanger him in -28 degree weather and frozen wasteland all around? Luckily, he's not far off, kicking Spheals into a goalpost for massive points (it's one of those minigames in the new Stadium game). However, his game is interrupted by a meteorite that comes crashing down to Earth, scaring all the Sealeo and Walrein into a big stampede. Instead of grabbing a bat, checking the meteorite, learning PSI, and saving the world, he instead wets his pants and gets traumatized for life (And no, this experience will not come to the VC).
The meteorite, which came flying in a vortex of opening credits, spawns a confused Deoxys, who has this weird glitch hold item that looks like a green gem. He vomits some grape juice into the air until Rayquaza shows up. An epic battle ensues with the scientists filming the bout for Animal Planet. Deoxys takes some damage, then grabs a Maxim Tomato and regenerates, putting up his shield right when Rayquaza does that lame fireball attack. Right when Deoxys is about to throw the finishing blow, another item spawns, and instead of using a smash attack like he meant to do, he picks the item up, letting Rayquaza hit him with a final tail smash. Continue?
Well, I guess not, 'cause Deoxys turns into a blue gem and falls into the ocean, and Rayquaza does a booty dance and flies off. Meanwhile, the scientific community has been destroyed from the fight, so everyone's sad that their awesome Secret Base plans have been squelched. Backup comes to pick their sorry butts up from the land of ice. Before they go, the mother uses an Itemfinder to find the weird item and take it back home.
Suddenly, four years progress, and we're in some lab where they're firin' lasers and lightsaber fighting. A few lasers hit the green gem and start making some crazy disco light effects, when suddenly a bulb breaks. Well, that's that! No more science or disco for today! After shuffling off Miror B. from the dance floor, we finally meet Ash and his posse, who are attempting to take on the Battle Tower. Some robot Tetris block takes pictures of the crew and makes some fake IDs to get them into local bars. Then Ash makes an arse of himself by running against the automatic walkways. These guys whose names I forget (we'll call them 'Crush' and 'Bruiser') taunt him and get him to agree to do a fight in a local tourney. They sign up and then promptly disappear. Suddenly, Spyden comes out of friggin' NOWHERE and forces them to fight or else PKAB gets an auto-win.
Ash, in his rush, grabs a random kid (hey look, It's Tori) and starts the battle. Ash uses two of his pokemon since Tori says he's allergic and stands there life a doofus. Ash gets whipped p.badly because Crush's Blaziken spams Double Team and Bruiser's Blastoise hits with Sheer Cold. He starts getting all "GOD I HATE BATTLE TOWER HAXX!!!" Tori runs away as Ash attempts to devour him in his rage. Tori's parents show up because they saw Tori in the fight. They call the police on this looney who just tried biting their kid, but Ash uses his powers of diplomacy to instead propose getting their kid to stop being afraid of pokemon. The kid only plays Halo and GTA, I don't care if his friends make fun of him, this game is good and you know it
So Ash throws his Pikachu at Tori's head, who flips out and runs off to some greenhouse where he starts talking to that crystal from The Sims. After spamming rosebud, Ash doesn't give up and we cut to some BS scenes where they're all picnic-like and feeding the wildlife. Tori still gets the willies as always, but eventually Crush and Bruiser pop by and show off their pokeymans. Also cue this girl with a kickarse Metagross, creating one of the best scenes in a movie so far, where Brock goes to love-tackle the girl and hits the Metagross, who promptly retorts with, "GROSS!" People sure can't tell a real man when they see one.
Tori soon gets over his fear of Pokemon when a Plusle and Minun have their feet stuck in a 6-pack plastic ring thing. He helps them out and they give him a Heart Piece. The group eventually goes to some big manor thing and has a party to some cheesy music that lasted way too long to be comfortable to watch.
Eventually, we see the token legendary Deoxys burst out of the Antarctic water and fly to the town everybody's in. His acid reflux makes him vomit some more purple juice into the sky, which alerts Rayquaza that it's time to FITE. However, Deoxys puts up this force field over the town, which short-circuits all the power sources and keeps Rayquaza outside, bangin' against the field like a bird against a window in one of those window-cleaning chemical commercials.
The town is going ape because holy crap, without power or the internets, what will we do? They order an evacuation when they see Deoxys and Rayquaza. Deoxys starts replicating (see what I did there) and sends the RNA clones to go get five-finger discounts on everything. They start sweeping up people, cars, parking meters, hotdog vendors, and even threaten Ash and his friends! They decide to go underground to hide from the madness. Meanwhile, we get to see more of Deoxys's lunch.
Out of nowhere is this scene where Ash and Brock literally steal all the food from a hotdog machine. Frickin' awesome! But then some more clone droids show up. Everyone gets back inside and goes deeper into the building since the clones are holding the new Woodstock outside and god their rocky road music is annoying
Eventually, people figure out that Deoxys is trying to find its love, and he has some sort of predator-vision where machines and people interfere with it. Well, alright, I guess that means we go up top and explain how we know what he wants, and that we want to help! Wait, no, that's a terrible idea, geez�but, you know, Ash has that mentality and he actually does that. Unsurprisingly, the clones try to carry him off. Derp!
The scientist couple soon figures out that if they had the power, they can revive the Deoxys that this Deoxys is looking for. So, they hatch this plan to find Elebits hidden in the house, but they suck at the game, so instead, Ash runs off to some dome where the Deoxys clones sent their captured victims to fight to the death. Instead, there's a raging game of dodgeball inside, but since Ash sucks at physical sports, he breaks out and starts powering up the city by turning some turbines. Eventually, stuff happens, Pikachu comes out of the closet, and the town has electricity. The lasers fire once more and successfully connect to the WiFi long enough to trade for a Deoxys, who somehow is possesed by the Sims crystal thing. Man, science makes no sense. NO. SENSE.
But what's this? Rayquaza breaks through the barrier! He goes right for Deoxys, and of course another wreckage battle takes place. This time, Deoxys has two stock, so they duke it out for a while. Deoxys puts the hurt on when suddenly, the second Deoxys shows itself! The two revel in each others' presence and start puking Ribose-nucleic-stomach Acid all over the place. Rayquaza gets grossed out and decides to take them both on! ROUND THREE�FIGHT!
Just then, the Tetris blocks get short-circuited and go haywire. Someone flips the game mode to Tetris Attack and the block keep flowing up from every part of town. The three legends are drowned in squares, lines, and T's. Ash, who was standing around picking his nose while all this epic happened, gets a phone call from his Dad. He's been out for a while, and it would be a good time to save! Well, on his way to save, he gets another call saying that if he shows an official Driver's License to the main Tetris block, all the blocks will clear and he'll get 5 points on his card, but he'll get the high score! Feeling the need to be the first in something other than surprising stupidity, he accepts and takes Tori with him.
The two do some backstroke through the blocks and flash that ID just when the world was about to turn into one big Q-Bert stage. The blocks stop, Deoxys bursts out, and Rayquaza puts his shades on. He tells Ash and friends an anti-drug campaign before flying off. The Deoxys smile and silently vomit to themselves before bringing everyone back together for one final goodbye. What beautiful creatures from space!
...
The next Monday, Tim returns from his long weekend. It's a hard time to be a janitor, especially in this Battle Tower town. People just don't respect the cleanliness that the park needs. As he pulls up oh my god is that vomit holy oil how did that get all over the place
I am NOT cleaning this up, what the heck kind of party did you guys even have
THE END