Pokemon 8: Lucarios Gets a MYSTRY Mew
We start centuries back, before pokeballs and even grenade balls were even thought of. Through the mist, a Lucario energetically leaps around a canyon, fervently trying to find his way to his house (frickin' MapQuest, what do you mean make a right at the boulder, there's like 50 of them here). Gettin pretty P.O.'d, he busts out these military-grade X-ray binoculars to look around. On his right, he sees a huge army tailored in Red, sporting Ekans, Oddish, and Growlithe. On his left approaches an army in Green, marching with Sandshrew, Bellsprout, and Vulpix. Now it is clear -- the War of Red Versus Green is about to begin, grab your Alakazams and Psychic-types, we're having old-skool childhood quarrels here!
As Lucario is about to tell both sides a ridiculous rumor about Pokegods, some Houndooms break forth from the second-gen-dimension and try to rough him up. Lucario does an Irish Jig and the dogs get jealous of his pants, so they try to set him on fire. During some awesome fire-dodging, Lucario loses his contact lenses and thus can't see! Well, using his RNG prediction powers, he pulls through anyway, reaching a random crystal on some hill. He calls up his master, Aaron, using some phone card he finds lying around.
"MASTER AARON!!"
"dude don't yell I can hear you fine, stop yelling, god"
"The Red and Green armies are fighting! Should I tell them about the Yellow Version?"
"no way dunce, we gotta release that after the initial hype dies down to make more money, geez, how are you still so dumb after all that training"
"Well, I'm going to tell them about Blue at least! Maybe that will stop their war with each other. Farewell!"
Cut to Aaron, who's mackin' it with Princess Zelda. He curses about profit margins and leaves her, riding off on his Pidgeot with a kickarse hat and staff.
Meanwhile, Lucario runs up to start advertising when Aaron descends. He throws a staff at Lucario, which sucks him inside the crystal on top, trapping him Ghostbusters-style. Aaron then flies off to the Mana Tree to try and seal all the evils of the two armies off before his Pokemon versions get bad press.Oh yeah, and there's some Mew flying around also, but it doesn't do anything, and I assume after its screen time, it goes back to hiding under the truck.
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Switch to present day. Ash and his pals May, Max, and BROCK THE UNSTOPPABLE are walkin' into this castle to take part in this festival honoring the beginning of the pokemon franchise. They put on these ridiculous clothes that make everyone look like George Washington. Well, except for Ash who puts on Aaron's crazy-awesome outfit in an attempt to hide his normally ridiculous fashion sense. Finally, tradition continues where is was bereft before, and we are treated to amazing opening credits battles. Heck yes! These ones are particularly awesome because a Misdreavus is in them and wins a fight. <3
Anyway, Ash uses a Wondertomb to beat all the other people and win the tournament, which gives him the title belt and half-price tickets to the next game. Then there's this ball where everyone dances, Brock hits on the girl Ash beat in the finals, and Ash sits in a chair all night. While this stunning turn of events plays out, the Pokemon all go up to this attic, following this Transforming pokemon to go play Monopoly. The girl dancing with Brock gets too much man-aura radiated on her, so she departs from him, only to be revealed as the famous Kid, some sort of Guiness Book of World Records chick. Her hair also reveals its final form, which is that of two giant cigars blossoming from her scalp. She uses them like propellors and helicopters herself up to some roof to spy on the pokemon.
The Transforming pokemon soon reveals its true form -- it's Mew! Kid sends out two Weaviles to go implant a GPS tracker inside Mew's forehead and take some organ samples. They fly off into the room where the pokemon are making fake business propositions involving railroads and try to corner Mew. Mew shoves a few hotels in their eyes and the other pokemon freak out. Eventually, Mew makes its escape, teleporting itself, Meowth, and Pikachu away, and collects $200, despite having never passed GO. See, this is why he's not allowed in tourneys
Anyway, as Ash sits on his butt, he starts getting bored and talks to the staff that was given to him as part of this pagan ball ritual. In his amazement, the staff talks back! They have a discussion on the status of the economy and how to manage proper retirement funds when all of a sudden the staff spits out a Lucario! When he's given some corrective lenses to see again, Lucario starts going on about how Sir Aaron was a chicken and didn't want to invest in Gold or Silver. At this point, the pokemon pour out of the attack and Ash learns that Pikachu has been taken by Mew! As Ash bawls his eyes out, Lucario scoffs and says that Ash should stop eating so much processed food, that stuff messes with your emotions pretty badly. Also, what the heck, why do you care about Pikachu? Well, Lucario soon learns that Aaron could have been a big douche even though he purportedly saved the world. Finally realizing that he is centuries old, Lucario then runs all over the place to the theme of Benny Hill while he has memories of Aaron teaching him how to abuse the RNG. Eventually, some girl cosplaying as Zelda gives him a hug and a lollipop and he calms down.
Meanwhile, Mew takes Meowth and Pikachu to this place where it amasses its collection of stolen pokemon merch. They play and have a good time until Mew shoves Meowth through a portal in the wall. Pikachu and Mew follow suit, riding these weird bubbles up some bloodstream-like thing. Mew uses a few boosts and Smart Bombs to get in front of them while Meowth asks Pikachu to get some guys off his back. Eventually they reach the top, which is a vista that looks over the whole area. Wow! Pikachu starts sighing and looking depressed, though, probably because he left his inventory with Ash, as is the rules for when a party member leaves in an RPG.
Back at the castle, Lucario agrees to help Ash find Pikachu for whatever reason. The Mew in question apparently lives in the Mana Tree, which is actually a giant series of rocks. Weird. Before they leave, Brock fanboys over Kid, who in turn fangirls over Mew. Kid decides to go with Ash and company, who agree to ride in her kickin' Jeep. Brock calls shotgun right away, and since there can be no better way to end the scene, it fades to black. Encore!
The next day, the group sets out. There's some travelin' before they take a rest stop at some hot springs. Everyone gets in except Lucario, who remembers some creepy things Aaron used to do in the springs. May sees some weird flower on top of a cliff and points it out. Ash, being the HM whore, uses Rock Climb to get to the flower. The only problem is that when he reaches the top, he realizes he can't climb and immediately falls down, taking the flower with him. Suddenly, the whole area re-plays Ash falling and everyone laughs. Apparently the flower is called a 'Time Flower', and doubles as a video recorder for America's Funniest Home Videos! They replant the flower in the middle of the road in an attempt to satiate the National Forest Rangers and drive off. I'm p.sure they run over the flower on the way out, too. It's fun to be naturalists!
Soon they reach this giant rock wall that they can't pass. Everyone gets out of the jeep and asks why Lucario led them to a dead end. Lucario curses MapQuest again when someone notices another Time Flower! Lucario plays the video, which was the when the Red and Green armies were about to clash. We watch Lucario get stuck in the staff and Aaron fly off screaming, "Spankety spankety!" Right when the armies about to converge, Michael Jackson drops from the sky and both armies dance to Thriller. The flower dies off and everyone is thoroughly confused.
But not for long! A Regirock bursts out of the ground and starts to blow everything up! Lucario takes the humans into a neary cave to evade the attacker, who starts beeping and hitting on the Jeep (I mean look at those sexy brakelights). They run through the cave and eventually emerge into this Land-of-the-Lost setting with rare and extinct pokemon running all over the place. Kid takes some snapshots and sends them digitally to her agent, who yells about how she needs the pokemon to be in the middle of the frame.
Ash and Lucario start running ahead when they get assaulted by Regice, who offers them snowcones. Since Lucario is diabetic, he declines, insulting Regice. So instead of giving out frozen treats, he starts shooting out some crazy ice attacks until Lucario owns his face hard. As the two leave, Regice is seen through the smoke of Lucario's attack's explosion, muttering in a Terminator voice about killing infidels or something. Creeeepy.
When Ash finds Kid and the rest, they're being pursued by Reirock, Registeel, and Reggie Fils-Aime. The Regis shoot death beams and Reggie threatens to convert the Game Corner into a game of Minsweeper. The group flees through some caves and over a rock bridge, which Lucario destroys behind him. If the Regis had faces, I'm sure they would be pouting at this point.
Eventually, they find these weird red blob things that try to eat them. They succeed in eating Team Rocket, who were delicious. The group splits up and soon the blobs also eat Brock, May, and Max, who send out their pokemon to watch them slowly die from being consumed. I guess they have a vore fetish? I dunno, either way, the three disappear as their pokemon stand by frantically waiting for a command to be given.
Ash and Lucario flee through a corridor to the outside. Ash screams about getting blisters and what's this? He hears Pikachu yelling to shut up, he trying to sleep! The two realize they're close, so they run to the nearest cave exit, only to see each other across a chasm. Pikachu does his over+B special attack and launches himself into the canyon and Ash leaps for him like some idiot, trying not to get a Self-Destruct. They both plummet to their death. The end!
...well, so I would have hoped, but instead Kid uses some sweet grappling hook to swing by and save them. She hands them a bill for her life-saving services and Mew appears! But since both Ash and Kid are out of pokeballs, they have to let Mew go, and run back inside the cave to find Brock and the gang. Mew follows so it can try to get a new movie like Mewtwo did.
Just then, Kid's telecommunicator rings and her agent fills them in with the bad news. Apparently, the tree is alive and and those red blobs are White Blood Cell-like things meant to destroy all non-pokemon lifeforms. The tree is also connected to the surrounding environment, like some living network. After Kid yells at her agent for watching too many James Cameron movies, more red blobs pop out! Soon, Ash is eaten! He sends out his pokemon, and as the victory theme plays, Mew starts going radioactive. It activates some crystal thing, which essentially resets the whole game, releasing all captured people. But the move caused Mew to contract AIDS, and since apparently Mew is connected to the Mana Tree, the caves start collapsing and the crystals start sublimating.
Ash, Kid, and Lucario follow the tunnels to this huge cache of crystals, which apparently is the epicenter of the Mana Tree. Mew starts drunkenly floating towards them, trying to polish them since he has company over (it's only polite, you know). But soon Mew faints from Toxic damage. That's when they notice that next to them, encased in a big ol' crystal, is Aaron! A nearby Time Flower replays a YouTube video where Aaron saves the cavern back in the past by using his RNG powers. After he does so, he's all, "Help me Obi-wan Lucario, you're my only hope!", and turns into crystal. Lucario then uses his RNG powers to try and set up a sweet baton pass to Mew, and it works! Mew comes back to life and presses Ctrl+Alt+Del, stopping the degradation process right in its tracks and setting up Norton Antivirus to get the rest of the crap in the system. Lucario, however, dies from some Stealth Rock damage, joining Sir Aaron in the afterlife.
So long credits sequence short, Ash goes back, takes reward money from the castle, blows it all on Chee-tos and Gatorade, and sits around all day watching Women's Tennis. What a hero!
THE END